Tricking The Scales

It’s amazing what a woman goes through when weighing herself. Not amazing as in awesome but amazing as in completely pointless.

Still, the number on the scale has become somewhat of a passion for some women.  Somehow this three digit number has more importance tied to it than ages, salaries – even number of children.

Weight really shouldn’t matter. As long a woman is healthy and happy, she shouldn’t need to do a reality check for how much weight she’s actually carrying around in her thighs.  But, we’re curious.  Or at least I am, and I’m willing to bet others are too. Maybe it’s our competitive nature. It’s like a personal competition with the scale.  Whattaya got today, scale!?

Scales can tick a person off by sounding that dreaded CLUNK when you step on, as if to say “You DO NOT weigh zero pounds. Try again soon!”

Exhaling and sucking in your tummy, you tap, tap tap, waiting for the scale to tip… 120.. 122… 125… 130… 137.  Hoping something is broken, you continue to push the little weight 2-3 miles to the right before finally giving up and letting the scale CLUNK back into it’s place, again serving as a reminder that your weight is nearly unbearable.

Well, ladies, we’ve feared the scale for long enough.  Here are a few common-sense tips that every woman should take to heart.

1.)  Check the circumstances.
This should go without saying, but some women need all the help they can get. Don’t weigh yourself after gorging at the Outback Steakhouse.  Avoid weighing before peeing or when you’re well hydrated.

2.) Remove detachables.
This includes your full outfit, shoes, socks, underwear, towel, hair binders, earrings, bobby pins, eye contacts or glasses and makeup.

3.) Final prep.
Once you’re completely naked, go through this checklist to ensure the best results.
– Dry your hair if it’s wet.
– Clip toenails and fingernails, trim hair if needed.
– Spit, even if you don’t want to.
– Urinate, even if you don’t feel like you have to.
-Blow your nose. Twice.

4.) Step on very, very gracefully.
This is mostly done to reduce the noise level of the weights clunking. Try humming your favorite tune as you slide the weight over so the scale doesn’t know it might be winning.

5.) Subtract.
Just because one scale says you’ve gained a few pounds doesn’t mean it’s accurate! You don’t listen to anyone else, so why would you take the scale’s reading to heart? Feel free to subtract a few pounds.

6.) Slide the weights WAY right.
This is done purely to boost the next woman’s self-esteem.

Shootin’ the Wit is a column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.

2 Responses

  1. Do people really have doctor’s office scales in their homes? That is something I have never in my life witnessed.

    I have to question why women weigh themselves 7 times per day if they’re not on any sort of special diet or workout program. What’s the point?

    1. The doctor’s office scales are usually in locker rooms at gyms as well. I’ve never seen one in a home either! And as far as weighing ourselves often, women do a lot of pointless things. I don’t know, maybe we do just in case we happened to weight a few less pounds one day. That’s for sure something we wouldn’t want to miss.

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