Craigslist Ad Gets Away From Me

IMG_4849For Sale: Ancient Toro Snowblower

$5 OBO

I’ve had it with this thing. Not only is it three times my weight, this fussy beast also puts off a fuel scent so potent that it lingers on your body after multiple showers. You might get your driveway cleared if this finicky clunker miraculously holds it together, rather than dying out at every crucial moment like it does for me. I’ve embarrassed myself in front of neighbors more times than I can count with this fine piece of machinery, running it into the side of my home on one occurrence and blowing snow back into my own driveway on every other occasion.

I’d rather shovel.

This rusty antique has hopefully seen better days. You see, I acquired this as a centenarian through the man I used to date. He cared about me at the time and, while he was lazy with other things, he loved clearing snow. We had a deal. I did everything and he snowblowed. He even had a nickname for this POS. It wasn’t actually “POS,” but I pretended to like the name anyway so he’d continue to clear my driveway. It was 100% worth it. Anyway, when I decided we should part ways that year (in early spring), I firmly felt I had made a fine decision. That is, until the next heavy snowfall, when I had a twinge of regret and felt nostalgic about our old deal. And, since nobody has stepped up to the plate in the last three years, this continues as an annual struggle.

Don’t misunderstand. I have so many talents. I can make myself laugh – very loud. I take nice photos and can run my own business. I’m coordinated and at least look like I’m in good shape. I’ve kept my dog alive for nearly five years and have taken on the responsibility of watching my niece and nephews several times with no deaths or tragedies, as well. I’m awesome at cleaning up after myself, I’m a good cook and have the innate ability to endlessly mull over every single decision. I can look past most flaws, so long as they are my own. I’m obviously an all-around stellar person. I am just exceptionally bad at operating this thing.

That being said… if you, Mr. Snowblower Shopper, are a single, attractive, intelligent male age 30-35 with muscles, dark hair, a good sense of humor and the willingness to help someone who is slightly nit-picky and indecisive, I will GIVE this to you along with one baked-from-scratch apple pie and a case of beer. The machine works perfect if I’m not the one operating it, so I could see this working on many different levels… if you know what I mean.

If you aren’t interested in my proposed trade and you’re too big of a cheapskate to pay $5, swing by Townsite Place in Fargo around 6:30 p.m. on the first evening we get a decent amount of snow. The snowblower will be situated in the middle of the road. You can have it.

4 Responses

  1. Kasper

    That snowblower probably just needs a carb kit… $30 and someone who knows what they’re doing, though it would be a stretch to say that’s me. Also, I don’t fit a single one of your criteria. I still have the same email and phone # if you’re still looking for a home for POS, or some help 🙂

    Kasper

  2. Jesse Ellefson

    I enjoyed your post, very entertaining. You are a talented writer!

    I will help you clear snow if I get a chance to run that beast! My only qualification is what my brother says is “strong back, weak mind.”

    BTW, I was checking out your Moore facebook page, and that is how I ended up here.

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